of Trust and desensitizing

TRUST
she said :
... hehe ganon naman talaga.. understanding, patience & honesty.. lalo na pagdating sa dreams.. basta ko, i'll give you my limitless trust & support

Having a relationship at this stage in my life is worth all the wait. I can't imagine myself being involve with someone so clingy I'll lose time for my personal well being. Rest assured that I'll reciprocate just the same (I'm trying hard... LOL)

DYSENSITIZED
We live in White Plains, my mother's reply to wheredoyoulive questions. Not the private enclave of the rich, famous and pretentious, but the white plains of the cemetery ground.

Having lived where I am living now, I have witnessed Death's conquest. What were previously hectares of verdant rice field are now dull white-painted tombstones and mausoleums. I have witnessed our frontyard turned into a memorial park. The hill not far from us was not spared. And a few years ago, 20 meters or so from our house, a Funeral parlor was erected. Yes we live in solemnity and solitude.

That is my environment. The cemetery is our neighborhood playground. And I think that explains why I am dysensitized with death. The funeral marches and songs are my biggest musical influence.

I have witnessed all kind of burial, from ordinary to downright pompous pageantry, from sleepy marches to current poprock. And although everyone will die equal, and true that nobody can bring their material wealth with them in the netherworld; the discrepancy between rich and poor is palpable by the funeral service and the place of final rest. Ordinary mortals get the ordinary service, few flowers, and ordinary-looking sympathizers. While the rich and famous are in their full regalia of barong and fine white clothes - the donya looking crowd.
They subscribe to the finest service in our city. The ordinary folks are buried in ordinary looking tombstones. And a notch lower than ordinary goes to the 'apartment' -- those located at the back of the cemetery, cramped, and place one on top of another. Well, for the old rich and the nouveau riche, they can afford to construct for themselves nice mausoleum.

These were my observations. But for me they are just the material aspects of death. It boils down to can-afford and the can't-afford. Nothing I can do about that. What's interesting for me is how much crowd of family, friends, neighbors, even kibitzers can one attract when they die. It never fails to amaze me how one lives his life to
attract such sympathizers. Well, that is my fear-- what if there was no one to lay me to rest but the undertakers? I don't fear DEATH, I fear that i'll fail to make an impact on someone's life to deserve their last respect.

my skinless left ring-finger

the peeler was new
sweet potato hard
the friction was building
and the momentum gathering
skin top dismantled
blood flow unabated

Gulong ng Palad

Many people believe in 'gulong ng palad', at least people I know. It is that fatalistic view that one is not forever on top, nor at the bottom (cycle of life? wheel of fortune?). But what if the wheel suddenly stopped, and it so happened that you were at the bottom. That would surely suck the life of anybody... you're fuck up for the rest of that lost momentum. That you'll pray hard for the wheel to turn even for a few arc so that you'll not bear the weight of the whole wheel...

DESTINY vs. FREE WILL

FREEWILL : you wanted to become someone since you can remember. Everything you do gears towards achieving that. The will is so strong that you believe you are to achieve it.

DESTINY : but your destiny tells you otherwise. You will not achieve it let alone taste the fruit of your hard labor.

It is like -- when you really want something, all the universe will conspire to help you NOT achieve it. – see, paolo coelho could have said it that way!

jan17...

kumakalam na tiyan
bulsang walang laman
perang may amag
mga asong duwag
buntot na bahag
nasaan ang liwanag
bakit ipinipilit
laging ginigipit
anong laban
kung pinagtutulungan
bakit mag aalinlangan
kung sigurado
isip na sarado
banyong barado
mga mapagpanggap
nasaan ang lingap
pangarap
mahirap
sa ulap humagilap
ng sagot
lastik na hindi nalalagot
mundong hindi umiikot
kaisipang baluktot
saan dudukot?

blogged : hired : fired

An article from philippine star (or inquirer, am not really sure) last sunday talked about blogging as a new way to impress prospective employers. Well, the author has a point. Blogs are a complete package, it has your profile, your thoughts, rants, dreams, and plans.

Being in the IT field, there are enormous number of tekky bloggers passionate about tekky stuff (gadgets,scripts,programs,theories,networks,database, etcetera etcetera). Yeah, what a way to impress your prospective employer. And it made me stop mid-article and evaluate myself. mmm, what about me? what am i blogging? Would i impress prospective employers if they'd read that i blog during work hours and blogging about non- tekky stuff? Worse, i blog about my boss, my office, my co -slaves, the air of grandiosity, the arse lickers, the purveyors of pomposity, the preachers.. Hahaha, Prospective employers wouldn't even dare read another entry. They would easily feel the soul of my blog. Screaming. I AM NO PROSPECT.

ners nersan no more

My sister passed the december 2006 Nursing Board Exam. Nakaktawa kasi kinakabahan ako habang iniisa-isa ko yung mga nakapasa, Genio xxx, Genita xxx, Genoguin xxx, Genona xxx, Genotiva xxx (dalawa sila)... naku di yata nakapasa? - (heart beating faster now). Ulit isa-isa Genio xxx.... yeyey... nakapasa kapatid ko! From nars-narsan to a full pledged NURSE. Sayang hindi ko na siya maloloko. Heheheh.
Congratulations! Huwag kalimutan ang mga mabuti kong ginawa ... ($$$$$, hheheheh).

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Hahaha, nag - iistalk ako ng mga blogs at nakita ko to, usually sa friendster ako nakakakita ng mga ganitong pasagutan.

Na-excite naman ako dahil may 1,748 na kanta ang nasa playlist ko. Kinakabahan kasi baka yung mga jologs na kanta ang lumabas
heheheh.. Na- aliw naman ako.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!

--=***=----=***=----=***=----=***=--

How are you feeling today? hedonism - skunkAnansie

Will you get far in life? somewhere - joshGroban

How do your friends see you? you are not alone - michaelJackson

Will you get married? end is the beginning is the end - smashingPumpkin ; so ano nga, ikakasal ba ako?

What is your best friend's theme song? my girl my woman my friend -josemariChan

What is the story of your life? wlang sabit - sandaraPark ; hahahaha ayos sa timing, sana lang

What was high school like? I dont want to be your friend - nina ; hmmm, fyi, enjoy ako nung hs

How can you get ahead in life? stand by me - U2 ; sino kaya yung me, kelangan na kitang makita, must get ahead early... hahaah

What is the best thing about your friends? what good is a heart - code red ; yep mga totoong tao (good heart = totoong tao , dubious correlation; ano ba yung pekeng tao?)

What is today going to be like? rush rush - paulaAbdul ; rush to go home siguro

What is in store for this weekend? tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka ; maulan sa amin nitong mga nakaraang araw, pero hindi ko siya makapiling eh

What song Describes you? the man without fear - drowningPool ; astig ba? heheheh

How is your life going? liham - hale ; huh?

What song will they play at your funeral? 2's - beanieSigel ;naks hiphop .. hahahah

How does the world see you? akira kushida - opening themesong ng shaider ;(?) sino kaya ako, si shaider o si puma ley-ar

Will you have a happy life? minsan lang kitang iibigin - arielRivera ; naku this is bad, hindi ko dapat isakamay ang aking kaligayan sa aking lablayp

What do your friends really think of you? somebody warm like me - laniMisalucha ; sabi naman kasing mabait ako , nagpipilit pa. ahihihi

Do people secretly lust after you? please don't touch my birdie - parokyaniEdgar ; no comment

How can I make myself happy? Bent - matchbox ;(?) do i really need to? ahihihihi

What should you do with your life? deep forest - enya ; ahhh, i miss the mountains, the mangrooves, the forests etcetera etcetera

Will you ever have children? mmm sarrrap - kamikaze ; sarap? magka anak or gumawa ng anak? sana both... hehehe

stray thought-

Not that i'm worrying, I've been reading a lot from so many people about travelling the road less travelled (Technically the 'a lot' i'm referring to would not even make a dent to the 8 billion or so human beings walking this planet, so nothing to worry, really ). Erm, what would happen to the road less travelled when more and more people choose to walk that path? Will it be the new road more travelled, and the previous traffic-burdened road would be the new road less travelled. Hahaha.... brainless ba? Talk about begging the question :)

of chocol8s and marijuana

It's weird that i'm feeling differently from previous days. I feel light, thrilled, and loved. Could it be the delayed effect of some chocolates I ate last night? I can only assume. At least,a respite from the draining and monotonous mood I've been these past few days.

Hehehe.. found these interesting facts about chocolate...

Chocolate can affect the brain by causing the release of certain neurotransmitters.
Neurotransmitters are the molecules that transmit signals between neurons. The amounts of particular neurotransmitters we have at any given time can have a great impact on our mood. Happy neurotransmitters such as endorphins and other opiates can help to reduce stress and lead to feelings of euphoria. As connections between neurons, they are released from the pre-synaptic membrane and travel across the synaptic clef to react with receptors in the post-synaptic membrane. Receptors are specified to react with particular molecules which can trigger different responses in the connected neurons. The proper neurotransmitter can trigger certain emotions.

Another interesting compound found in chocolate is the lipid anandamide. Anandamide is unique due to its resemblance to THC (tetrahydrocannabinol), a chemical found in marijuana. Both activate the same receptor which causes the production of dopamine, a neurotransmitter which leads to feelings of well being that people associate with a high. Anandamide, found naturally in the brain, breaks down very rapidly. Besides adding to the levels of anandamide, chocolate also contains two other chemicals which work to slow the breakdown of the anandamide, thus extending the feelings of well-being . Even though the anandamide in chocolate helps to create feelings of elation, the effect is not the same as the THC in marijuana. THC reacts with receptors more widely dispersed in the brain and is present in much larger amounts. It would take twenty-five pounds of chocolate to achieve a similar high to that of marijuana (more)

Wow, kaya pala ako HIGH. Hmmm, Imagine, if there are already chemical compunds found both in marijuana and chocolates that has that hallucinating effect, what more those chocolates from the Netherlands that are infused with marijuana. Could it have that super happy effect? Hahahaha... Must visit the Netherlands... Well, I'm not really fond of chocolates or anything sweet. In fact, I prefer the dark-bitter ones. And to my delight, my sister brought from her begging trips some monchino chocolates. The one with brandy and rum coated with dark rich bitter chocolate (drooling).
I'm googling it now, result - zero... hahahah... kaya pala, i texted my sister and it was not monchino but MON CHERI,

yummy talaga!

PLANETANG PAKASKAS

(boredom sparks creativeness or the lack of)

Once there was a planet in a far far away galaxy called PAKASKAS.

Once upon a time in that forsaken planet was a princess who lived in a cave castle full of gargantuan tarantulas. For she will be the future queen of evil tarantulas, she has trained early. She has shown deftness in commanding crowd of tarantulas to do her bidding. A skill even the reigning Queen-Mother of tarantulas learned only a few years back. Naturally, this led the queen-mother to despise her child. Loathing the princess in a good way.

Not far from the cave castle is the underground villa of the RAT people. They are the pariah of this made up story. Ostracized from the inter - community for being disgusting homo sapiens. They hunt rats for their meal, toys, and pet. These deplorable behaviors caught the ire of the ELDERS. From then on, they where banished to the underground. Beneath - they enjoy their freedom, far from the prejudicial dagger looks of pretentious individuals.

Above the RAT city is the bustling MACAQUE county. Full of enterprising BUSINESS people. The word Sabbath is a taboo. And if someone get caught uttering the forbidden word, prepare for a fiesta. The MACAQUE people will cut off the VIOLATOR'S hands and feet; will chop them finely and will be fed to the vultures. The event takes place in the plaza with all the people forming around the limbless violator-- in the middle of the plaza watching the vultures feast on his limbs.

Far from the enterprising and gruesome and macabre MACAQUE COUNTY is the monastic and rustic HOWLI village - or so it seemed. The village is surrounded by plain looking iron fence. And the houses, though occupying a large part of the land looks unadorned, boring, and of course rustic - never bucolic. The people of the village always look serene and prayerful. Each clutches a beaded necklace. Not until you entered one of the boring-looking houses, gold, glitter, ostentatious decor rococo style. Far from the facade hid the true worldly riches of people from the HOWLI village. They were able to acquire great wealth by deceiving everybody, cloaking intentions under false religious claims. Abominable denizen whose mouth can mimic a machine gun in spewing thousand of curses per minute. Talk of SHEER TALENT.

Across, and separated by the river DEMAGOGUE is Kingdom OPPOSE where every inhabitant denounces what the Kingdom ADMINISTRATION does -- for ETERNITY. They are the YING and YANG of planet PAKASKAS. They wage war for nothing; contradiction is embedded in their DNA strands. But for some reasons, others manage to cross border and seek refuge from their once sworn enemies.

-- to be continued ;

feigning working hard

headphones fastened secure on my ears
head thumping lightly from side to side
a little forward, then backward
all these while my itunes is on pause

eerie, the sound of ac reverberates
the clicking of the keyboard dominates
nobody's making a man-made sound
everyone's on their pretend-working mode

Ode to the frogs

my mind is in stupor
and im feeling numb
staring hard at my monitor
moving mouse in erratic motion

oh, pretensions of intense work
expirations of neural network
calibrated deception
of no particular intension

the clock is in slow motion
stomach in troubled regurgitation
the sun is standing still
and humid air inducing indolence

somewhere in this room
an eager-beaver monitor tapper
walk the distance, needs attention
seeks importance, soaked in petulance

and i'm choking from my humor
the air is toxic and fetid
memo flies fast past us, the vicissitudes
element of surprise, demise, inevitable

january8

I've been away from you for far too long
Too much chances make my heart go frantic
I wanna tell you what's been goin' on ...
I sit alone as the night goes by
Stare at the phone and wait for your reply

Long long distance love affair, I can't find you anywhere
...
I gotta get a message to you, I wanna tell you what I'm going through
...
Havin' a ball, and wishin' you are here

Premonition is a funny thing, a familiar kind of pain and easy
Like knowin' when the phone is gonna ring
Too many times and it'll drive you crazy
...
Long long distance love affair, I can't find you anywhere
...

song : telefone
by : sheena easton